Self Expectation

The moment we hear the word ‘expectation’, a lot comes into our mind, ‘expectations’ that we have from the world, from the people around us. ‘Expectations’ that have been fulfilled in our lives, and the ones that haven’t, the ones we still hold onto. The times we have been disappointed due to ‘unexpected’ situations, scenarios etc.

How often do we think about expectations that we have from ourselves. I tried giving this a thought and came to the question of “Do I have any expectations from me?” and if I do then what are those ‘expectations’? Have they changed over time or have I actualised the ones that I have had in the past? Do I set new expectations for my self once I have attained the previously expected and lastly how often or how much do I expect from myself?

Maybe for once we ought to forget the expectations that we have of others and the things around us. We even ought to put aside the expectations that others have of us. Somehow all this seems trivial when you stand in front of the mirror, look into your own eyes and ask yourself, “What do I expect out of me?”, and then think about how to work about and attain these expectations instead. Many of us might have done it subconsciously in the past but this time I want to consciously take a step back, let go of all other ‘expectations’ and attend to the ‘expectations’ I have of myself, for myself or for others, realise them and work upon actualising them.

Why am I, who I am?

I look back at who I used to be and I see who I am today, taking account of the differences, the changes in me, within me. I wonder what happened along the way. I think about circumstances that I lived through, the moments I experienced.

The more I wonder, the more I think of the people I have met. Someone once told me that we must welcome everyone into our lives, not block anyone out consciously because everything and everyone that happens in life is for a deeper reason that we often realise much later.

I feel I am who I am because of the people I have had in my life, starting from my parents to my siblings, friends, strangers … just about anyone who have been a part of my life to influence it in one way or the other. People whom I have learnt from, who have loved me, changed me, inspired me! I believe I am who I am because of the people I have known.

So If I have evolved until now being influenced by these people and I believe I might have helped others evolve in their lives as well, then there is a whole life to live and a whole lot of people yet to meet and be influenced in return.

Aside

Knowing and fearing

The first time I was left free near a swimming pool, I immediately jumped in, without pausing to think of the consequences. I probably didn’t understand what drowning meant. As I grew older, I was still adventurous enough, though I never attempted to jump into the deep end without a tube or until I learnt how to swim well. I did not fear the dark, or horror shows. They weren’t completely meaningless, but there was some instilled courage that kept me calm.

The first time I made an attempt to bungy, I wouldn’t deny the fact that I did feel scared, but somehow the excitement was more than the fear or that fear was being transformed into excitement so as I was fearing, it felt good, it got me excited. It was something like that exercise pain, which hurts but in a good way and not in a painful kind of way. So mostly when I felt fear it didn’t scare me but rather got me excited. This feeling was in context of not just¬†adventure sports but every walk of life. I never feared stepping into unknown grounds. The excitement always outweighed the risks. Moreover I barely ever contemplated, I just dived in, going with the flow.

Years later, when I went to bungy from the same location, same point, I was quite scared. I had to encourage myself to jump. I was thinking, I have done this before, I shouldn’t really be scared, but I was. I managed to jump however, but it took some contemplation and time and I didn’t enjoy it as much. I am not sure if it was the fear or it was because I had already done it before. In retrospection I feel the same applied into different situations in life, there was always a lot more contemplation involved before doing anything.

Here I am today, and the thought of jumping from that bridge scares me more than ever. If I actually had to stand there and jump, I still would without vomiting out of fear, but given a choice I’d rather avoid that jump now. When I look around me, I feel I now have the same attitude toward a lot of other things in my life. I contemplate more, I am less spontaneous, I would rather avoid the risks if I could.

Makes me wonder If I really want to avoid those thrills or the contemplation makes me, or as the years have passed by, the fear outweighs the excitement as there is more in stake. Does becoming wiser/experienced make you less adventurous / spontaneous or knowing instils fear? Do we subconsciously loose our inner impulse and become more calculated and careful with even the little things in life?  Do I need to peek in to find that whim again, and take that leap!